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Without it, there's no chance. Physical attraction is hardly the most important component in a relationship, but forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone who you're not attracted to -- just because it's comfortable or "perfect on paper" isn't fair to anyone. You will feel resentful and they will feel rejected. Taking care of someone you love is a great thing to do, but when you feel like you're raising a boyfriend -- or worse, a husband -- things get a little complicated.

You'll resent his childish ways. Who wants to sleep with their mom? Do you feel like you're a part of a loyal team who stands up for one another, supports one another, and shows a united front even when the other is not around? Or, do you feel like you're constantly being thrown under the bus by your mate? Some couples avoid having the big talks religion, marriage, babies because they think that, somehow, these things will just "work themselves out.

Being a human being living on this earth, we all have a right to grow and develop, and create a full life for ourselves. Are you and your partner still indulging in your passions individual and shared and growing as individuals? Being in love with someone should not require changing our identity to fit someone else's idea of who we should be, on any level. She is usually found in the gym hitting the speed bag to Eminem, having a wine-down with friends or writing with her beloved Chihuahua, Tony Che Montana, by her side.

This article originally appeared on YourTango. Is it for the next acting?


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It may not be your agenda, but is it the other, or outside of the relationship, from other people. Spells--Failure, No love, Unhappiness, Ends when the formulated plan reaches it's completion. Certain people are targeted for these kinds of match ups, beware who comes your way--smooth talker or a friend--that will stick closer than a relative. Is it mutual, love is: Turtledoves perched on the identical branch--equal in fondness of affection, settled--tamed after the wild flight in search of finding each other.

The only agenda of the pair is enjoying being with the beloved, in the same tree. The strength of an oak tree--is a strong tower. At the young age of 20, I was encouraged to enter the dating scene fear that my pool would dry up if I were to postpone it, The initial game plan was to first complete my college education,found a job, and gotten married at the age of But that attitude would never fly in my social circles since most of my peers were under the pressure to get married asap.

Since when did dating and getting married become a contest? At the age of 20 when marriage was not a consideration yet for me, I dated a guy pushing 30 who subtly suggested that he would like to get married after 2 months of dating. Naturally, that freaked me out and we sadly ended our relationship. Most of my friends who have gotten married at age found themselves back to the drawing board shortly afterwards. I knew nothing about marriage and commitment at that time. I couldn't make a split second decision whether I wanted to marry this guy or not after 10 dates. Every guy was a potential as far as I've seen it.

Just 2 months of dating was far too early for me to know whether I want to tie the knot or otherwise. I was just looking for companionship. I wanted some romance and relationship in between going steady and getting engaged. Most of the guys I've dated only wanted to get married and nothing else. Then I met my boyfriend currently husband and dated sporadically for 3 years.

People nagged us to either finalize our relationship with an engagement or part ways.

11 Questions You Have to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Married

We were long overdue. We eventually got married and love each other more than ever. But we have our disagreements and conflicts to resolve as most couples do. I got married at the age of I didn't feel I was loosing out. My advice would be to do wants best for you and go by your gut instinct. Don't let peer pressure or parental interference eclipse your better judgment.

What was good for your best friend may not work out for you. Life is not a competition. You will eventually find the right one. It will be worth the wait. I was 18, she was I said you want to get married, she said sure. We knew nothing about anything. She was Catholic, I was Jewish.

Questions to ask before you get married

She came from Cuba, I came from Chicago. I flunked out of college. Then served 5 years in the Army 2 of them in Vietnam. I finished college, she raised the family. I had a career, she nurtured the children. I retired and she converted. We've been together 49 years, and still, we know nothing about anything.

Except, faith that Hashem had, has, always will have a plan and we are a part of it. I also don't know anything about anything. I've only been married for 19 years. Thanks for being an inspiration. Bessie Segal , December 17, PM. David Tzvi, your story goes to show that each of us is an individual with different needs and different solutions. We're married 23 years, many marriages have crumbled around us. Your 10 questions are bang on.

BOTH men and women need to be able to support a family. And a woman needs her husband to believe in her as much as he needs her to believe in him. I find it odd that in you are defining these on a gender basis. As for the comment about medical info: Not everyone knows what the future will hold, nor does everyone know what happened in the past. There are descendants of Holocaust victims whose families died young, adoptees with no medical records of their birth families. Conversely, there are people who had parents or grandparents with horrible illnesses that people today are doing a better job preventing by not smoking, eating a healthy diet, etc.

So while I can't imagine that anyone would enter marriage without sharing their own medical issues with their fiance, I also think people should be realistic. NO potential spouse is perfect, EVERYONE has to confront problems they never expected, and the real question is are you committed to tackling them together, no matter what gets thrown at you? Yisrael Math , August 16, PM. The gender basing is based on the old school and not modern day life.

We each need to be able to trust each other with money and be on the same team with raising the Children. It's our obligation as a couple to make things work for each other and to support each other whether its finantial, emotional and or health.

Its not just the Mans obligation. Its a two way street. We have to work together as a team!

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5 Conversations You Need to Have Before Getting Married

My name is samyra I never been married before. I just want to be sure that Iam not making a mistake and need insights on marriage. I just need answers help and support. Thank you. Extremely well done.

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I am a widow after a 40 years marriage, so none of this applies to me, but I appreciate the intelligent, careful discussion. But maybe it does apply to me--my husband and I were older when we married and I think we automatically thought about the "perils" and goals. Unfortunatelly the perils which arose could not have been anticipated. It was a very hard life but at least we loved. How great is that? Our shared life lasted 41 years until he dies. I never Stop loving him.

We discovered a new world in each other and developed our new language. We constantly discovered new meanings to old expressions, gestures. When necessary we assert our ultimatum then wait for response. This occurred twice: once when he turned down an academic position to leave the US, the other when he treated our son unreasonably.

The first time I gave in, the second I he did. After each, our love intensified. Apparently some people do all this by nature. I remember sitting on a chair, my future husband had a paper in his hand, where all was written down and started to ask me questions. I found this way quite normal.

And after my answers seemed alright to him, he came over to me and I got a kiss on my forehead. Later he told his mother, that we two would marry. There is a saying in India about what love is. This wise man said: Love is, when the happiness of the other one is part of your own happiness. And so our marriage was. He was for me husband and mother and friend. The same I was for him. That includes everything. May you all be blessed with such a marriage! Zichrono levracha! I just want to thank you for sharing your story. It is very sweet. I hope you have a lot of influence on the young people around you.

You have plenty to offer.

What to know before getting married: Advice from a couples therapist

Both parties need to answer the question about being ready to support a family. For a woman it is the other side of the coin from the man.

Be honest with yourself before tying the knot with someone else

Namely, in the event of a separation or divorce is she ready not to take advantage of the law and cut the father off from the children. Is she ready not to be take advantage of the law and use it to its' full punitive extent. Of course, there is no substitute for a good prenup, or "get" that ensures both parties come out of a divorce in one piece. The adversarial divorce process, and it's biases, ensures that there will be a lot of suffering as an outcome of any separation or divorce. Children and men are particularly victims, and it shows in the statistical distribution of achievements and personalities of male children in particular.

Some people come out of it ok, but a majority don't. A famous sage once made the wise observation that "you don't really know a woman until you see her in a court of law". Many's the man that would ruefully agree. Also, both parties need to ask if the other person has a history of vindictive or selfish behavior. Also, will they respect each others privacy.

Finally, what traits really annoy you about the other person. These are the items that tend to lead to divorce, the small things that annoy and build up and the attitudes that lead to adversarial relationships. Seven months after marrying a person I trusted and loved and shared hopes and dreams about, I learned that he is affected by schizophrenia. It was not controlled at the time when I learned about this, and it was a shock. I was negligent in getting this information because it meant: NO children --schizophrenia is genetically-liinked being alert to psychological changes and being kind, patient and becoming informed.

One alternative is to end the marriage because there was no disclosure regarding the mental illness, nor was there manifestation of the illness prior to the marriage. Fortunately, my husgand's mental illness is managed quite well with medication providing he takes it as prescribed, avoids those things that can counter- the effectiveness of the drugs, HOWEVER, considereing the fact that I did not request medical infomation prior to marriage, I did end the marriage contract.

We have remained married--it has been extremely difficult. We had no children. Mostly the marriage has been O. The knowledge may not have made a difference in my feelings, but it would have certainly made a difference in my decision to marry. IT has been extremely difficult. This is the first time I've discussed this with anyone outside my immediate family who by the way, do not understand schizophrenia, and most of whom have, at one time or another "blamed" me for my husband having had 3 "nervous break-downs" since we have been married.

Unfortunately, even families who have access to information do not always think or respond properly even if they have the knowledge. And this is not the ;s! Anonymous , August 15, AM. After reading this list of ten questions I would respectfully request permission to add another, which is "have someone drawn your attention to these ten questions"? Someone said "never make war without counsel". I would also add marriage to the choices one should not make without counsel.

In my experience too many men and women have embarked on a life together only to discover that they had no idea as to the destination of the craft. So to put question 11 another way "have you sought counsel or guidance from one who is competent to help you"? Rabbi Heller: Could you please suggest criteria for when a wise dating mentor is sufficient and when professional counseling or therapy is strongly advised? I am a middle-aged woman with a teenage child and am soon to be divorced after two decades of marriage to a man whose behavior was often abusive and otherwise unacceptable.

Thinking back to my young, pre-married self I would have answered "no" about my husband to six of the nine questions above pertinent to women.


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  5. I'm very loving and giving, and in due course will want to seek a new husband for my sake and my son's. I have learned much, but do not kid myself that I will choose wisely next time without guidance. Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment. Current Issues. Dating and Judging People Favorably. Celebrating Your Uniqueness on Rosh Hashanah.

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    So, from tying the knot tomorrow to staying single forever — getting married is totally up to you. Brown, if you're wondering if marriage is for you, thinking about what you see in your future can help you manifest the life that you want for yourself. If you're totally into the idea of having a partner in crime, getting married may seem wonderful to you. If you're dedicated to total independence, it's totally OK to never tie the knot. Whatever the answer may be, visualizing your future can be a great step in making hard choices.

    Brown also shares that checking in with your own life values can be an important step in deciding if marriage is right for you. If you like to make big life decisions on your own or if the idea of a partnership for life seems to impede your independence — getting married may not be for you. Of course, if you're totally into having a partner around for the adventure, tying the knot could be a great next step in your relationship. Unpacking your values can be super enlightening when deciding if marriage is right for you.