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Suicide and silence: why depressed men are dying for somebody to talk to

Albert, So sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I pray that God will give you comfort at some point. It is not wrong to feel empty. I lost my mom on March 4th I feel like I will never be okay. I often cry at night because I miss her so much. I often think about calling her just to hear her voice again only to realize I never will be able to hear her voice again.

And it sucks, it F-ing sucks because I feel guilty that I never spent that much time with her the years leading up to her death, so did she die knowing I love her? I hope she did.

Roman what are you doing here? Seriously this is just so disrespectful of others telling their stories about grief and reaching out. How rude and insensitive!!!!!!! Everyone—including my mother in law—has told me to move on. I was with my husband for 3 years. Married for 1 year out o fthe 3.

Nothing that i can feel like i need to be happy for. We even picked out names. My father in law is in battle with me, there were 4 things i wanted to keep that belonged to my husband. His jacket, His phone, His shoes, and his wedding outfit. I asked for these things from my in laws.

I gave up the money. They kept everything.. So finally decided i would give up the phone. For the first time in my life, i feel like God is so unfair to me. I smile at work.. I cannot have a single lighthearted conversation with my fathe rin law nor my mother in law. Nothing seems to make me happy. My husband has never let me cry. If i did, he would turn the world for me. Sincere thoughts are with you, regardless of how long you where together, just having something of his will be a cherished item.

Its so sad that the family are not allowing you to have this, I know they are grieving too and maybe they will eventually hand over once their grieving has softened. Everyone grieves differently and no one can tell anyone how to etc. I just hope that they do see the thought in it for you and that your not alone now surrounded by supportive group of friends and family. Its fresh, its raw and it hurts like hell. Focus on you for now and your memories. I hope this turns out positive, sending hugs xxx. Hi sweetheart you have a lot to live for and your whole life ahead of you.

God will bring you through this. Sending angels your way. May God Bless You. I am so happy that I found this tonight. I lost my mother on December 23, and my life partner on December 27, My partner was with me while my mother was passing but then he died unexpectedly of a heart attack four days later.

I knew I was not crazy but also knew that I was damaged. I want to be strong for everyone around me, especially my boys. Thank you for letting me know that this will happen for a while. I am crazy right now, but it is okay. I lost my spouse of 30 years in Dec. She died of stage 4 cancer, and it has turned my life upside down. I miss her all the time. I isolate, cry, yell. Trying to get on with things but nothing makes a lot of sense.

This is so hard. I was with my husband for almost 13 years 3yrs married I took him to Key West for his birthday. We were having an amazing time. The day of his birthday I made reservations to a restaurant and asked if they could sing Happy Birthday to him and they agreed. We spent half the day at the beach and we were on the way back to where we were staying. I stopped to take a pic of a tree and he went ahead on his scooter. I rode my scooter to the place we were staying and as I turned right on the street we were staying at I saw him on the ground two women were by his side.

He was bleeding out of his nose and ears. I was in a panic and rode my scooter to the police car that was on the cross street. An ambulance was called and he was taken to the lower keys hospital. I was not allowed to go in the ambulance.

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A good Samaritan offered to take me. I was told to hurry as they were going to fly my husband to Miami via helicopter as soon as they got him to the local hospital. To my surprise that was not done. They called me to the back room where they had done a bore hole on his head. The tools they used were dripping blood and they basically told me he was going to pass.

They sent him to Miami via helicopter I was stuck in Key West we live in Illinois I had to return my scooter, keys to the condo and I had to figure out how I was going to get to Miami. After being in Miami for 21 days we were told my husband was brain dead. I have never experienced do much pain in my life. My husband turned 32 and did not get to live his 32nd birthday. I never got the chance to sing him Happy Birthday. I am basically a walking robot.

I get up and I go to work. I leave work and come home and cry my eyes out. Knowing that I will not be able to hug him, kiss him, talk to him or spend time with him for as long as I am living is so painful. My faith has been tempted a lot. Our dreams, our story was destroyed. What purpose does God have in taking the ones we love?

It hurts so much because the world just keeps on going. I have to pretend like everything is fine in front of people while I am hurting so bad inside. Being with someone you love so much every moment you can and losing them overnight is extremely painful.

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My heart is with all of you that have lost a loved one. God less all of you. I do not want to live without him, I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my husband. Hello Jacob. I lost my mom recently and this made my heart break for you. I hope you can find happiness one day. Know you were loved by him and he will always be with you. Round and round.

Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often—will it be for always? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again. Lewis, A Grief Observed. I lost my husband and soul mate on the 28 December , we too only got 13 years together of marriage, I walk around lifeless, filled with emotions of pain, our three children lost their daddy, their rock.

It was so unexpected too, I dont think even having the opportunity to say goodbye makes a difference. I would like to share a few poems I have written to express my grief. Im hoping they help on this site. If I heard your voice again I would capture it in a jar To keep with me for evermore though close yet so far To feel your hand entwined in mine would calm my aching heart I know that your with me, we will never be apart Your eyes always filled with sparkle so shiny and bright One day we will be together in the softest white light.

My husband died in and for rhe first two years I had a lot to take care of. Tbis article helped. I lost my grandma, that i really loved I grew up with , she was like a mother to me. At first i cried a lot but it was weird because it seem unreal i was trying not to cry. Its been a month, i have pain every night and day! He died of a stroke due to an overdose. He was 32 when passed away. I am going through an emotional drowimg process. I have my 25 year old that lives with me.

Ever since my sons passing I am so fearful for my 25 year olds safety in every form. I do feel like I am goimg crazy. Grief is a horrific feelings. It eats you up menatally, physicall and emotionally. My daughter had the audacity to call me paranoid. The nerve. For these holidays to say I was broken beyond belief is an understatement to say the least. Can I explain it no I can not.

It hurts so bad. It geels like it will never end. The coming of the date of his death is so overehelming. I feel so crazy oh lord. I await lingering in pain to be able to be quote on quote normal again. Not going to happen. Throw me a life saver please. Only time only time I hope will help me heal. Oh how it hurts. As I write my tears just rolls with such sorrow.

But in reading others stories I know that I am not alone. Hi Margarita, your post was very upsetting to read, my heart really does go out to you. I just want you to know that this will get easier I promise. I speak from my own personal experience. Your body and mind grow around it in order to survive.

Try not to be angry at your daughter, she is grieving as well for her brother and is taking it out on you. You must stick together during this difficult time. Look after yourself and concentrate on getting yourself through this by focusing on small steps. Your post resonates with me. They were 5 and I was a single mom for 9 years before I met my second husband.

David and I were only married 1 year and he was only 46 when he was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. David battled like a warrior, but passed away in August of During his illness my father and aunt also passed away-I was the executor of their estates-it felt like blow-after-blow-after-blow, but I was able to keep going because I knew David needed me as his caregive, and my teenage son also needed me.

Like you I worry endlessly about both of my sons. Their safety, their health. It is not an exaggeration to say that on a daily basis I have thoughts that one of them will die. It seems to be happening more often and more intensely. If God really exist I hope my baby is in paradise with his mother But the only reason I do not commit suicide. Is my other kid. My mother passed away 4 weeks before Christmas She was sick. My father who should have been with her was instead staying at a hotel. She died alone and scared. I miss her so much and am so broken over this. Since this my father is now selling all their belongings and house and is spending every dime they ever had.

I have a hard time forgiving him. That was his wife whom he abandoned when she was ill. She confronted him of cheating 2 days prior to dying and now he plays the grieving husband. I just want her back. She was everything to me. She was selfless in ways you dont often find. Miss you mom. Love you always. I read most of the comments. I send my condolences and love to everyone. I sit here exactly one year and one month from the day my then 24 year old son died. He complained constantly about how awful the medication made him feel.

He finally made the decision to go off all meds and try to self medicate using CBD, which has helped some people with very difficult to control epilepsy. His seizures worsened. He was in and out of the emergency room regularly. And one day, he died, in his sleep. It is so sad, so unfair, he was an incredibly bright, beautiful, talented young man. He was loved by many. There wer people at his Celebration of Life service, and people came out of the woodwork to tell me his impact on their lives.

The night he died, I found out he had spent it consoling a homeless man, who had lost his wife and son. He would do that, help anyone, give them the coat off his back, even if it was below freezing outside. He was a really good, loving, kind person. But that thought gets me no where. I might not. My Mom tries to tell me that I just need to have faith. I told her that it has nothing to do with faith. My friend tells me to go see a counselor, and yes, I can do that, but what are they going to do? Somehow make it different?

Make me feel supported? But in the end of the day, the cold hard facts remain: Parker is gone, and there is nothing I could have done or can do about it. I have to just accept it. Or I guess I can choose not to accept it, only making my suffering even greater. Most of the time I just let the feelings come and be. And yet, I wander through feelings of anger, rage, grief, guilt, frustration, and feel mostly how totally unfair it all is.

I wonder sometimes why? But I will never get an answer. My mother told me she has faith that he is safe now, and no longer in pain, and with God. I am sorry. That is the truth about how I feel. But that is the truth. I also have a strong need to feel happy, and I often actually do feel happy about many things. Sometimes I think about how funny Parker was, about how kind, and how courageous he was. He never worried about himself, he spent the last several years of his life going out of his way to help others. I feel like, in many ways, he was a better person than I was.

Totally selfless. That does make me happy, realizing that the life he lived meant something. He did live his life fully. He lived his life on his terms. Those things are really admirable.

And they make me feel happy that i got to be a part of his life. So part of that Crazy is the New Normal also means living with really strange, dichotomous, opposing feeling happening at the same time. How can I feel angry, crazy, guilt-ridden and grief stricken, and at the same time happy, grateful and fulfilled at having been his mom? It does feel better pouring my feelings out. My comment is for Wendy Scott. You are a normal crazy I too lost my Son in a car crash he was only 29 he also helped people and was a happy go lucky person.

He had 6 beautiful children…I wish I could tell you something g to help but I have all the emotions you have some days worse than others. Only thing I can tell you is you have every right to any feelings anytime you have them life is Hell when you lose a child and your right no-one can fix that kind of pain. There is nothing crazy at all in what you told. I lost my husband 3 months ago. I thought I was getting better but I cry out of nowhere.

Because of the holidays, is pushed the pain to the side until it all hit me. I miss him and our life we had. When I look at my children, so say to myself man if your dad can see you now. I am afraid of breaking down. I feel lost with no direction. Hi Bee. I feel the same way. I am stuck as well.

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I am finding that the things that irritated me I now miss. When is this going to end? Our 28 year old daughter died by suicide five weeks ago. I need people to reach out to. I have to talk about it, write about it, get support somehow every day in some form. I do feel as though I am going crazy. I kiss her photos and talk to her as if she can hear me. I expect her to walk into the room at any moment. I think that getting angry and irritated is part of the craziness. My oldest daughter has attacked me in great anger three times in the past ten days.

But i know she is in incredible pain, she feels guilty, she feels regret, she misses her sister so much. I get angry at my husband for not defending me to my daughter, but, then I realize that this is grief, all of this anger and irritation is extreme grief expressing itself. Dear Aria, My heart goes out to you. It is a Wonderful supportive group that believes Healing is possible together.

They can give much needed support and tools to get you through your loss. Please take care of yourself. My wife and child died at child birth within 2 hours of each other 30 years ago…. My Mom died rather suddenly two years ago. Although there was a brother at home, I had to retire from my job earlier than I intended and move back into the famiy home.

My brother had been made power of attorney and by December we realized he was skimming from Dad. I managed to figure out ways to get Dad where he had to go, and I moved out of the house to an apartment three doors up. My landlady and I had a disagreement and since I had no lease, I had to find somewhere else to go. Dad and I went to the lawyer actually, the lawyer came to us and we got the brother removed as POA and closed the checking account that brother had put his name on right after Mom passed.

It spread so fast, a month later Dad fell and had to go to the hospital — he had three broken ribs in the back. Dad had a panic button, he called and then me. He left the house on september 26th and he never went back. From the hospital he went to a nursing home that he hated.

When the nursing home told me how much it was going to cost to keep him there, I panicked inside. He died on October 17th. I was named executrix of the will, and have taken the proper legal steps. Brother continues to live in the house, we only speak when I accidentally run into him. I miss my parents, and I am so angry at my brother for stealing from our father. I am totally at an impasse. I took care of Dad for two years and had to be up and ready to go by 7. I am disgusted with myself for being like this, and for being relieved Dad died before his resources were completed. I feel like a horrible person.

You sound like a great person. You did all the right stuff. I am not good with words but wanted you to know I read your story and wish for you the very best. You are a great person and I wish you the best in life. I pray that God plays his part in this and blesses you. In 27 years, with the exception of my honeymoon and one senior trip I took 9 years ago, I have seen my grandmother every single day of my life.

2. Once the emotions get going, there’s really no stopping them

Sadly that year diagnosis was way off, as she passed 3 weeks ago, the day before my birthday and two weeks before hers. Not to mention on Hannukkah and two weeks before Christmas and 6 weeks before the birth of my first child. I refused to deny her wishes and put her under grown, so I borrowed over 10 thousand dollars for her funeral and an above ground resting place. Since her passing only 20 days ago, my sister has suffered a miscarriage and my husband has become unemployed.

I know tomorrow or the next day we will get our eviction notice, and we have a baby coming in 4 weeks. I had a fairytale wedding less than a year ago and I acted so damn spoiled and bratty about it and I believe this is my punishment. I spend my time researching insane things like time travel and communications with the deceased. I related to so much of this article, not even being able to shower or wear pants, let alone parenting and working. I just want to die. Sometimes I wonder if I would kill myself if I wants 8 months pregnant.

All I want is to see her face outside of a picture and hear her voice outside of a voicemail. While no one can comprehend your personal grief because our grief stories are all different, just know that we suffer with you. Sounds like things are getting super tough personally and at home. It is what it is. Some churches offer free access to licensed counselors. Some cities do, too. I only mention this because I finally had to accept real grief counseling as a part of my new life.

Losing my best friend to suicide made me practically insane. Yet, I had to keep going in the face of my family, my job, a new lawsuit resulting from his death, etc etc etc. Time made it easier to get from point A to point B without losing my marbles about every little thing, but the emotional mess I had become still made me a recipe for disaster at home with my family, the ones who most needed me to be loving and kind to them. My friend died almost 26 months ago.

Just know, we love you and feel your pain. You could consider speaking with a medium not crazy to help you feel better as well. It helped me so much more. Look for a very reputable one if you do. I can recommend one if you like. My father, who had cared for her up to that point, realized she needed nursing care that he could not give. I helped as much as possible, but worked full time and lived over an hour away.

He had a biopsy that went terribly wrong. Dad went from driving, eat well, and visiting Mom every day to being trapped to an oxygen unit in the wall, having a trach put into his neck, and living off a feeding tube through his nose. It was beyond terrible to watch this happening to such a vibrant older man. Then my mother-in-law who was also in a nursing home and suffering from dementia but knew us and could play cards every week took a turn for the worse and her kidneys began to shut down.

She passed away on Oct. Dad passed away about 2 weeks later on Nov. Then, on Dec. We had five funerals in six weeks. This is exactly how I feel. And, yes, I was debating on whether this was still grief or it had moved into depression. I cry every day, but in private now, and usually on my trip to work and home again. I had my life before. And I have my life now. I hope that there will come a day when I see a sunset and not immediately think it looks like one from when I was young. I want to find the joy in today. Pam, i am so sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents.

I just lost my Dad 2 wks ago. No one prepared me for this.. And someday i will lose my Mom too. Life is a hard taskmaster.. I hope you can join me on that journey. Prayers for you! I was really beginning to wonder if anyone else out there really understood. My mom passed away on April 14th, I cared for her for the last 5 years of her life. She was on dialysis 3 days a week and sick most of the time.

Fortunately, she died in the comfort of home. My 22 yr. I cared for them both as well as worked full time. After my mom passed, the bills and stuff became overwhelming as i had just refinanced a new lease on a nice car so my mom would be comfortable driving back and forth to hospitals, stuff at my work got crazy and i was used as a scapegoat and my pay was decreased after 5 years with the company doing nothing but excelling in what I was doing and more, going to College part-time as well. I am devastated. So many decisions i had to make immediately and had to move out of my home…..

Luckily, my beautiful, older sister, told me to come stay with her until i could get back on my feet again or just stay if i want as she too is alone and lost her husband 5 years ago. We all miss him so much. I am one that has tried to always plan out things and prepare….

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The loss is huge….. I feel numb……. I just want to be with me….. No one can change what has happened, no one can fix the ordeal I am in, no one can give advise what to do to move forward but ME and I know that…….. The common answer is that men, traditionally, see mental illness as a sign of weakness and are reluctant to seek help. But they do. We do. I weep all the time. I wept this afternoon, watching Boyhood. And boys — and men — do commit suicide. A lot of people still believe that depression is about chemical imbalance.

And one that has, over the years, been supported by numerous scientific studies. A lot of research into the scientific causes of depression has focused on chemicals such as dopamine and, more often, serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a type of chemical that sends signals from one area of the brain to the other. The theory goes that an imbalance in serotonin levels — caused by low brain cell production of serotonin — equates to depression. So it is no surprise that some of the most common antidepressants, from Prozac down, are SSRIs — selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors — which raise serotonin levels in your brain.

However, the serotonin theory of depression looks a bit wobbly. The problem has been highlighted by the emergence of antidepressants that have no effect on serotonin, and some that do the exact opposite of an SSRI namely, selective serotonin reuptake enhancers, such as tianeptine which have been shown to be as effective at treating depression. Add to this the fact that serotonin in an active living human brain is a hard thing to measure and you have a very inconclusive picture indeed.

Back in , Ben Goldacre in the Guardian was already questioning the serotonin model. It was always shaky, and the evidence is now hugely contradictory. Others have burnt the hymn sheet and written their own songs. For instance, a professor of behavioural science at Stanford University, Robert Malenka, believes that research needs to be carried out in other areas. Like on the bit of the brain right in the centre, the tiny nucleus accumbens.

That is the inability to feel pleasure, a chief symptom of depression. Maybe looking at a specific part or chemical in the brain is only ever going to give a partial answer. Human brains — in terms of cognition and emotion and consciousness — are essentially the same as they were at the time of Shakespeare or Jesus or Cleopatra or the stone age.

They are not evolving with the pace of change. Neolithic humans never had to face emails or breaking news or pop-up ads or Iggy Azalea videos or a self-service checkout at a strip-lit Tesco Metro on a busy Saturday night.


Maybe instead of worrying about upgrading technology and slowly allowing ourselves to be cyborgs we should have a little peek at how we could upgrade our ability to cope with all this change. One thing can be said for sure: we are nowhere near the end of science — especially a baby science like neuroscience. So most of what we know now will be disproved or reassessed. That is how science works, not through blind faith, but continual doubt.

All we can do, for the moment, is really all we need to do — listen to ourselves. When we are trying to get better, the only truth that matters is what works for us. But then I have never tried cognitive behavioural therapy either. Hell, if licking wallpaper does it for you, do that. For me, the moment of recovery came in April It was totally inconsequential.

In fact, there is not much to write about. That was the whole point. It was a moment of nothingness, of absent-mindedness, of spending almost 10 seconds awake but not actively thinking of my depression or anxiety. I was thinking about work. About trying to get an article published in a newspaper. But it was a break in the clouds, a sign that the sun was still there, somewhere.

It was over not much after it began, but when those clouds came back there was hope. There would be a time when those painless seconds would become minutes and hours and maybe even days. I am not anti pill. I am pro anything that works and I know pills do work for a lot of people. There may well come a time where I take pills again. For now, I do what I know keeps me just about level.

Exercise definitely helps me, as does yoga and absorbing myself in something or someone I love, so I keep doing these things. I suppose, in the absence of universal certainties, we are our own best laboratory. If you are a man or a woman with mental health problems, you are part of a very large and growing group.

Many of the greatest and, well, toughest people of all time have suffered from depression. Politicians, astronauts, poets, painters, philosophers, scientists, mathematicians a hell of a lot of mathematicians , actors, boxers, peace activists, war leaders, and a billion other people fighting their own battles.

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You are no less or more of a man or a woman or a human for having depression than you would be for having cancer or cardiovascular disease or a car accident. So what should we do? Encourage talking. Encourage listening. Keep adding to the conversation. Stay on the lookout for those wanting to join in the conversation. It is not you. It is simply something that happens to you. And something that can often be eased by talking. It took me more than a decade to be able to talk openly, properly, to everyone, about my experience.

I soon discovered the act of talking is in itself a therapy. Where talk exists, so does hope. Facebook Twitter Pinterest. Topics Depression Mental health in Britain. Mental health Health Men's health Suicide rates Health, mind and body books Autobiography and memoir features. Reuse this content. The first part was titled 10 things that make men cry and after the overwhelming response, they increased the list to The first ten reasons include, making parents proud, birth of the first child or grandchild, tribulations in love life, letting a loved one down, saying sorry, and being dumped.

The list just goes on. The second part titled, 80 things that make men cry, has the responses of the readers, who write about their own experience, clearly indicating to the fact that crying is no longer a taboo for men. It is a change from forget- the- world- Iam- a- man syndrome that they all suffer from," says Antara Mukherji, who works in an advertising agency. Kartik, a software engineer is a classic case. But men are supposed to be strong, and so they have to live with their woes without crying about it," he says.

Men have to constantly struggle to achieve certain standards of masculinity says Roy. Any behavioural norm that may collapse the strictly maintained boundaries between what constitutes the " masculine" and " feminine" is a grave threat. And crying is one of those threats," he explains. And maybe it is the feminist movement in the last three decades that is partially responsible for such a change. Men dismiss women as " too emotional". In response there is a hardening that women go through to prove they are as competent as men," says Roy.

So while women are busy trying to hold back their tears, are men crying their hearts out? Looks like men who cry are still a minority in most patriarchal societies in India. But in case they shed a tear or two, just remember -- handle with care! Courtesy: Mail Today. Idiot"s guide to handling men who cry Men should cry while women should not, says an international study.

We ask Indian women if they can deal with the new norm. Get real-time alerts and all the news on your phone with the all-new India Today app. Download from. Post your comment. Do You Like This Story? Now share the story Too bad. Tell us what you didn't like in the comments.